


I shared a bed

by pixiescanfly



Series: As Completely As I Know You [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cheating, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, POV First Person, Past Abuse, Sharing a Bed, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-04
Packaged: 2017-12-04 08:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiescanfly/pseuds/pixiescanfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The stories of the many times I shared a bed with Sirius Black, and the one time I slept with him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Everything you recognise belongs to others. 
> 
> Enjoy xx

The first time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was in second year. 

Quidditch practice had run late and I ended up getting back to the dorm late. Everyone else was already fast asleep, or so I thought. They must have all gone to bed hours ago. I could hear Peter's telltale snores as I entered our dorm and tried to change for bed as quietly as possible. It was only when I was about to get into my bed that I heard it, an odd sniffling sound coming from Sirius' bed. I stopped, stretching. My body protested. I was cold and wet and exhausted from Quidditch but there was something in the quality of those sniffles that called to me.

I crossed to Sirius' bed and said his name, quietly so as not to wake the others. The sniffles stopped suddenly. I sighed and, hoping I was doing the right thing, pulled the curtains back. Sirius had his back to me but was shaking, obviously with barely masked sobs. I put a hand on his back, aching with the desire to hug him, to do something to make him feel better. He turned then, looking at me with big, tear filled eyes, begging me not to ask questions, to just be there for him. I nodded, silently accepting his terms before crawling into the bed next to him. We lay next to each other in silence, but his tears had stopped. Eventually we must have fallen asleep. The next morning we woke before the rest of the room and so avoided awkward questions. We didn't speak of what had happened the previous night. 

I had promised.


	2. Two

The second time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was when my family still had social standing. I owled Sirius and my parents owled his. They arranged for him to spend the night with us one day during the summer holidays between second and third year. We slept on the floor of my bedroom, surrounded by blankets and pillows, chocolate and crisps and half made plans for the pranks we would pull the next year at Hogwarts. We had slept contentedly, despite both waking up with sugar rush headaches, aching backs and strange tastes in our mouths.


	3. Three

The third time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was in fourth year. I had been injured in a Quidditch match. I was hit in the back by a bludger and had cracked several vertebrae. Madame Pomfrey was forced to remove them because of the nerve damage and I was literally tied to a bed overnight and fed skelegrow every four hours. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

When I had fallen Sirius had been the one to catch me. He had been the one to fly me all the way up to the castle so I wasn't jolted unnecessarily by being transferred from his broom. As soon as they started tying me to the bed he vanished. I won't pretend that it didn't hurt, but I understood. Seeing your best friend tied to a bed can't be easy. What I didn't expect was him to be back in the hospital wing less than an hour later with yellow tentacles sprouting all over his left arm.

'What did you do Padfoot?' I asked through gritted teeth. The skelegrow was just beginning to kick in and its effects were making concentration difficult. He just grinned at me.

'I asked Moony...'

'You can't go getting him involved in something like this, what if he was caught? He'd get detention at the very least,' I was aghast.

'He said no, Prongs. Told me I was being an idiot and that you'd rather I wasn't annoying you all night when you should be recovering.' He grinned ruefully, 'He's evidently not had skelegrow before.'

'So how do you explain...' I looked at his arm pointedly. He grinned again.

'Oh, that. I called Snivellus a greasy slimebag, among other things. Apparently he doesn't take kindly to the idea that his mother must have slept with a troll at some point for him to have been born...' We both laughed at that, though I stopped after it started aching too much. He crossed to my bed immediately.

'What's wrong Prongs?' he asked, suddenly overly concerned. I was breathing quickly as the splintering pain of the skelegrow intensified.

'Skelegrow's kicking in.' I said through clenched teeth. He blinked, looking more shocked than I expected him to be.

'You mean they already gave you a dose? I had no idea,' He sat down on the chair next to my bed and softly, carefully, held my hand. I clenched it tightly as the skelegrow took more of an effect.

We sat like that, talking about other things when I was able to, for four long and painful hours. Suddenly, a small tinkling bell rang through the Hospital Wing. I would have shuddered had I not been restrained at the time. Sirius looked at me, confused.

'Time for my next dose.' I mumbled, trying to sound upbeat. I failed miserably, but that was probably to be expected.

'How many doses do you have to have?' he asked, looking worried.

'Three.' He winced in sympathy. I was slightly disconcerted. He seemed to know an awful lot about skelegrow, and multiple doses of it, which, to my knowledge, were only ever used when multiple bones were badly broken, but at that point in time I had more important things to worry about.

Sirius went back to bed before Madame Pomfrey came out of her office. She checked the fractured vertebrae before clicking her tongue and pouring out another dose of skelegrow, mutter all the time about the stupidity of the young boys these days who played Quidditch. She poured the vile drink into my mouth, checked that I had swallowed it, and reset her timer to go off in another four hours, telling her that I needed my final dose.

Almost before Madame Pomfrey had left the room Sirius was back at my bedside, holding my hand tightly. The pain was worse this time, building on the pain that already existed and intensifying it. I bit my lip, trying to stifle a pained moan as the splintering sensation started. Sirius moved closer then, stroking my hair and trying to help. It was comforting, to feel his presence so close to me as I whimpered my way through another four hours of skelegrow. Again the charm went off. Another dose was administered. Sirius returned to my bedside as soon as Madame Pomfrey had left the room. This time I was barely conscious. I was fighting my restraints and mumbling incoherently. I don't remember much to be honest of the next four hours.

The next thing I remember in waking up in the hospital wing in daylight with Sirius lying across my chest and an ache in my back but no sharp pain. He had been there with me all night, helping me with the pain. I smiled and tried to run a hand through his hair but found myself still tethered to the bed. Well that would become annoying. Quickly.


	4. Four-Fourteen

The fourth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was in fifth year. It was the Christmas Holidays, Christmas Eve in fact. I was just wrapping the last of my presents for my parents when there was a knock on our door. It was late, almost midnight in fact, so I wondered who would be calling on us. My parents were both in bed so I answered the door.

Sirius fell into my arms. He was shivering, icy cold and shaking. There was a bruise forming around his right eye and his shirt was ripped. I dragged him inside, not even considering my actions, and slammed the door shut, dragging him into my kitchen.

'Sirius, what happened?' I gasped, surveying him, trying to see if there was any more damage. He looked up at me and I recoiled. There was something in his eyes that scared me.

'Mum finally pushed it too far. I left. I left home. Ran away.' I could guess what he meant. I'd guessed over the years. The bruises at the end of every holiday, the reluctance to leave school, the wide knowledge of healing spells and potions like skelegrow. It angered me, and yet there seemed to be nothing I could do but offer to be there if he ever asked. And now he was asking. He was too proud to ask out loud, but he was asking anyway, for my help, for my acceptance, for my love, all of which I was willing to give.

'Come on Padfoot, let's get you some clean clothes. You're staying here tonight. Tomorrow we'll talk to my parents, alright?' I grabbed his hand and led him up the stairs like a lost puppy. I didn't even debate. I just got him changed and pushed him into my bed, following him in and holding him tight when the inevitable tears started to flow. This would just be one more time that I would never mention.

The next night was the fifth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black, and was followed by the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth and fourteenth times. Each time I held him as he battled the demons of his past, and each time we held our silence in the morning, never speaking of what had occurred the night before.


	5. Fifteen

The fifteenth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black we were both drunk. We'd located some firewhiskey and had thrown a party to celebrate my birthday. Afterwards we'd stumbled up the stairs together to find Moony's hangings drawn, Wormtail passed out on the floor, Alice, Frank Longbottom's girlfriend, and her friend Marlene Mckinnon soundly sleeping in Wormtail's bed and none other than Lily Evans passed out across mine. I blinked at her sleeping form.

'She'll kick your arse Prongs,' Sirius snorted next to me, obviously thinking the same thing as me. I sighed.

'But she's in my bed.' I pointed out stupidly, as if this somehow made it justifiable to crawl into bed with an unconscious girl who hated you. Sirius shook his head, grinning.

'Doesn't matter. She'll still kick your arse.' I sighed again, nodding and regretting it as the world began spinning and I stumbled. Sirius grabbed me and giggled.

'You're drunk.'

'Like you're sober?' I slurred at him, well aware of how idiotic I sounded. He grinned at me.

'Then we should go sleep it off, come on, plenty room.' He grinned at me before collapsing on his bed, fully clothed. I kicked off the one show that was still on my foot and crawled in beside him, slipping and cracking my head on his shoulder as I did so. We lay in silence for a moment.

'Hey, Padfoot,' I said into the darkness.

'What?'

'You know Lily,'

'Course I know Lily. Red hair, nice arse, you've been lusting after her for five years,' I tried to hit him but missed rather spectacularly, hitting the headboard and cursing while he laughed.

'But Lily,' he reminded me after a minute.

'What if she likes me,'

'I don't think you have to worry about that Prongs,'

'No, I mean, if she suddenly liked me.'

'Yeah, if, by some miracle, she falls madly and passionately in love with you...'

'Yeah...what do I do?'

'After fainting from shock?'

'After that,'

'Well, take her in your arms and kiss her madly and passionately like the heroine of some old fairy tale and then you ride off into the sunset like Romeo and Juliet or...wait...' I was too preoccupied to notice his confused look.

'But what if I'm crap at it.'

'At what?'

'Kissing'

'You won't be'

'But she'd chuck me if I was crap, wouldn't she.'

'Probably.'

'Padfoot...this is a serious problem, you've got to help me don't fall asleep.' I elbowed him in the back as I said it. I heard him sigh, felt him roll over, and next thing I knew his lips were on mine. After a shocked moment I responded. A moment later we broke apart.

'See, I told you, nothing to worry about, perfectly adequate. I wouldn't chuck you.'

'Thanks'

Some time passed.

'Padfoot?'

'Yeah'

'You taste like a brewery,'

'Better get used to it. Only way Evans is ever gonna get with you is if she's totally plastered.'

Some more time passed.

'Padfoot?'

'What?'

'Thanks for that'

He said nothing but I could feel him shuffle slightly closer to me. Emboldened by the alcohol and feeling my arm begin to numb I shifted and slipped it around him. We slept soundly until we were awaken the next morning by Moony's remonstrations on the dangers of alcohol and headaches the size of small elephants.


	6. Sixteen

The sixteenth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was purely for academic reasons. We only had one Potions textbooks between us on account of my setting mine on fire when I got annoyed with my potions homework during the second lesson of the year and my parents not buying me a new one because it would just go the same way as the previous 6.

The night before the potions OWL I was panicked. I needed an E in potions to carry on to NEWT, and I needed the NEWT to become an auror. I was still pacing the common room at midnight, getting Moony to test me on the various uses of magical herbs and fungi.

Sirius finally got up and grabbed my wrists to stop me pacing, picking up our book in one hand and using the other to drag me up the stairs.

'It's gonna be alright, yeah? No need to panic about it,' he said. His voice was so calm that a little permeated into me. I smiled at him. He grabbed his wand and cast a lumos.

'Come on then, if you're gonna study all night for the OWL at least let's do it comfortably.' I grinned and grabbed the pillows from my bed, propping them on his so we could sit up comfortably with the pillows behind our backs. He drew the curtains and we spent the rest of the night learning potions theory by wand light, falling asleep, exhausted, at almost three in the morning.


	7. Seventeen

The seventeenth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was the night after the incident with Severus. Moony was still in the hospital wing and Wormtail was asleep in his own bed on the other side of the room when Sirius came across and pulled my curtains open. I ignored him, anger still burning in me at what he had almost done to Moony.

'Prongs...'he started. I turned my back. I could hear him breathing next to me but not saying a word. He reached out, laying a hand on my shoulder. I turned and glared at him.

'How can you still call me that after what you did to Moony? You know what would have happened if Snape had been hurt? Moony would have been expelled! He could have been arrested! And it would have been all your fault. How could you do that to him? Not to mention Snape. Would you really want him bitten? Are you that heartless? You're more of a Black than I thought you were, Sirius' I tried not to yell, not wanting Wormtail to wake up. Guilt was written clearly on Sirius' face, as well as immeasurable pain. I knew I'd done the unforgivable, calling him a Black, but he deserved it at that moment in time.

'I never thought...'

'That's right. You didn't think.' I hissed at him, grabbing my curtains and slamming them shut, intending to just go to sleep and ignore him.

'Prongs,' he was still outside. I didn't answer. He seemed to take that as permission to keep speaking, 'I went after you, when you went after Snape. I followed. I never thought he'd be stupid enough to go out there on a tip off from me. He knows how much I hate him. I was just going to use it to call him a coward. I never wanted Moony to get hurt. And...he made me angry. He was insulting you, insulting what the Marauders are. He said Lily was just one of your whores and she'd come to her senses soon enough when you left her alone and broken after you were done with her. I tried to curse him but he'd already disarmed me, the creep. I couldn't think of anything else to do. I just wanted to prove he was wrong, to make him look stupid. He had no right to say those things about you and Lily. I'm sorry. I...don't make me lose my best friend over this, please....' I could hear him sobbing on the floor beside my bed. I sighed and opened my curtains.

'That was the stupidest thing you've ever done, Padfoot.' I murmured. He nodded, unable to speak through the tears.

'Promise me you'll never do anything like that again,' He nodded, 'Say it,' I hissed. He took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on me.

'I promise' he whispered. Something between us seemed to suddenly thaw during that moment and I grabbed him, wrapping my arms around him as he cried guilty tears. I pulled him gently into my bed and lay down next to him.

'He's going to be alright you know,' I said after a while. He looked at me, confused, 'Snape,' I clarified, 'He wasn't hurt. He knows about Moony now though, so we'll have to be extra careful. I think we're going to have to leave him alone from now on, whatever he says or does. Agreed?'

Sirius just nodded, grateful to have been accepted back, at least by one of his friends.


	8. Eighteen-Twenty

The eighteenth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was the night my parents, our parents died. I got the news by owl from the ministry. There had been a death eater attack on my house. They had found the bodies in the bedroom, eyes closed. They'd been killed in their sleep, hadn't even noticed.

I'd been in the common room when I got the letter. My hands had started shaking when I'd read it and my vision blurred before I got to the signature at the end. It didn't matter who had send the damned thing, my parents were gone. My whole family, my whole world, obliterated. I had nothing now, and nobody. That knowledge stung like nothing else could. I was alone. It was the worst feeling in the world.

And then Sirius had taken the letter from my unresisting hands and I'd seen his world fall apart just as mine had and I knew that I was wrong. The worst feeling in the world is watching your best friend lose his family for the second time. I saw the pain in his eyes just as clearly as he saw it in mine, and

Moony must have seen something in both of us, because he took the letter and scanned the contents before taking both our wrists and leading us up to our room and depositing each of us on our respective beds. I think the whole of Gryffindor must have been staring at us. That's why he did it, and he knew we needed to be together. I doubt either of us would have found the motivation to even make it up the stairs without him. I was grateful, later.

Then he hugged us both and went to help Wormtail with his Charms in the library. Except that Wormtail was in the common room, and I'd already done his Charms homework for him. That would have made me smile if it had been any other time.

I stood there, numb, looking at Sirius for a few moments, watching him fight for control, watching his guilt that he couldn't help me when I had lost my family because he was grieving too. I couldn't help it. I crossed to him and wrapped my arms around him.

'Don't try Padfoot. Don't try to hide it with me. I know they are...were your parents too.' I whispered and something in him broke. His tears fell, joining the ones that had been flowing out of my eyes for quite some time now.

'I'm sorry Prongs.' He answered, 'I should be the one comforting you.' I could hear the guilt even more easily than I could see it. The idea was absurd. He shouldn't feel guilty about loving my family. They loved him just as much, goddammit. I loved him as much.

'No.' I leant back and looked him in the eyes, 'You're my brother. That makes my family your family. Understand? No guilt.' He nodded. I pushed him backwards, collapsing next to him and holding tightly as we let the wave of grief sweep us both away.

Later, the grief numbed to a constant ache, as if we were too exhausted for it to carry on so fiercely, but I stayed where I was, for the nineteenth and twentieth nights at least.

Somehow, the feeling of loss always seemed to be less when I had my best friend in my arms.


	9. Twenty One

The twenty first time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was thirteen minutes after I got back from my first date with Lily Evans. She'd asked me out after Transfiguration the week before, out of the blue. I hadn't shown any interest in her for almost a year but she cornered me in the corridor and asked if I'd like to go for a picnic in the Astronomy Tower. She said that I was more mature now, not the arrogant prat that I'd been two years ago. I suppose that was true. The Snape issue had matured me.

To be honest, I'd almost given up on Lily, that's why I'd left her alone. She thought it was out of respect for her wishes. I think she thought she was torturing me, but respected me for not trying to push her any more. I didn't correct the idea. All the feelings that I'd thought were gone came flooding back the minute she'd shown interest in me. I'd said yes, tried to be cool and calm, and not told anyone, except the marauders of course. I wasn't sure of the rules when you were dating a girl. Were you meant to tell people about it or just leave the girl to tell people? And if you didn't tell people would she think you were ashamed of her? But if you did would she think you were bragging and thought of her like a trophy?

So I'd compromised. I knew they wouldn't say anything about it, but they knew if she expected them to know. And now I was going back to my room after a blissful time with Lily, most of which was spent staring at her hair and half listening to her talk about potions. She really was beautiful, and, even better, she was mine.

I was in a trance when I entered the room, and so didn't immediately notice the strange lack of noise coming from Sirius' bed. Peter usually snored, but Sirius had a distinct pattern of breath that I didn't notice was missing until I was lying in my own bed and trying to sleep. It was rather disconcerting, having shared a room with that breathy whistle almost every night for seven years to suddenly notice its absence.

I hauled myself out of bed and crossed to Sirius' bed, listening carefully for any telltale sounds from within. There was nothing. Sound seemed just to slip over his hangings. And then I got it, almost smacking myself on the head for being so stupid. A silencing charm.

Reaching out, I grabbed the hangings and pulled them back carefully, looking in, wand drawn in case. Sirius immediately turned over, scared and shaking. He was crying, but wiped away the tears as soon as he saw me, trying to pretend they didn't exist.

'What do you want?' he spat at me. I could think of no excuse for my behaviour, and he obviously didn't want me to acknowledge his tears so I merely shrugged.

'Go away then,' he hissed, 'Leave me alone,' I sighed. I didn't want him to be hurting. I didn't want him to be crying under a silencing spell at night. I had no idea what this might be about, but I knew that whenever something was wrong with me, Sirius made things ten times better with just his presence.

'Padfoot...you don't have to tell me. You don't even have to admit that there's something you're not telling me, but let me be there for you. I owe you for all the times you were there for me,' I said. He said nothing but shifted over. I slid into bed next to him, sighing.

'It'll be alright, whatever it is.' I said at length, 'And if it's not, well I'll help you make it stop mattering,' I hoped that was the right thing to say, since he kept staunchly silent on the subject of his distress. I heard a mumble somewhere near my shoulder and then felt the warmth of his head against me, tears soaking through my pyjama top. I laid a hand on his head and hoped that he would be alright, that whatever it was wasn't permanent, was fixable, and wasn't something that I would be better off knowing about.


	10. Twenty Two

The twenty second time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was the night the Prewetts had died. Lily had been with their sister, Molly, since the news had arrived and she was going to stay there for a few days to help out around the house and look after Molly's two young children. She said it would be good practise for when they had one of their own. I'd smiled at this and rubbed her belly, thinking of the tiny life in there that I'd only just found out about.

The house had seemed empty without Lily there. Too empty. I rattled around for a while before trying to fall asleep. It was one in the morning when I gave up and flooed to Sirius'. He was lying in bed, but not asleep. I knew him to well to be fooled. He was feeling just like me. Gideon and Fabian had been our friends, older than us and better wizards. If they could be taken down by Death-eaters then what hope did the rest of us have? What hope did the tiny life inside Lily have?

I joined Sirius before he even opened his eyes. He knew it was me, and he knew I needed him, the same way I knew he was awake and would be there for me.

'Padfoot...' I began after a while.

'Yeah?' he sounded much more awake than he looked. But then, he could probably read by my tone that this was something serious.

'I've got to tell you something.'

'Spit it out then,' He was tired. He always got grouchy when he was tired, but then he'd worked a twelve hour patrol shift today and didn't look like he'd got much sleep if any before I arrived. I could forgive him his grouchiness.

'Lily's pregnant.' I said in a rush, 'And we're getting married.'

Silence reigned. I heard him exhale next to me and held back the clamouring ideas waiting to spill forth, I wouldn't demand a reaction. It was big news. At length he turned away from me.

'Congratulations.' It sounded wrong, bitter. I shifted closer to him. He was probably just as worried about the baby as I was. Our friends had just died and we were bringing another innocent child into the world, a child that would have no defence whatsoever in this war. It just seemed irresponsible, somehow. But we'd decided, Lily and me. We might not be here tomorrow, lets live for today, lets not let him ruin the life we have.

'Padfoot,' I sighed, 'You will be my best man, won't you?' I was half afraid that he'd say no, that he'd think me irresponsible and selfish to bring a child into a world like this. Instead, he rolled back over to face me and grinned.

'Course I will Prongs, course I will.'


	11. Twenty Three

The twenty third time I shared a bed with Sirius Black I thought he was never going to wake up. There had been a raid on a Death eater safehouse in southern Scotland. It had been Sirius, Remus, Mad-eye and some of the others from the Order, a simple operation, nothing special. I'd been at St. Mungos with Lily at the time. She was getting a scan to check on the baby. We'd just found out it was going to be a boy when and owl had come through the window. It was from Remus, written in shaky handwriting. Sirius was badly hurt. He was at Hogwarts. They couldn't risk moving him to St. Mungos. I needed to get there right away.

I left Lily in maternity. She promised she'd follow as soon as the scan was finished. I took the public floo to Hogwarts as fast as I could and raced to the hospital wing. I'll never forget the sight that met me there. Sirius was covered in blood, lying on a stark white bed, motionless. I had never seen him so still, even when he slept. I crossed to him immediately, stopped by Moony and Madame Pomfrey. Dumbledore was standing beside him.

'You're his next of kin, James. I have to tell you that it doesn't look good. He's been hit by a blood boiling curse. We didn't know the house was going to be occupied or we would have sent a bigger force. We've done everything we can. Now it's just up to him. I'm so sorry,' he said, looking older than I'd ever seen him. I didn't even acknowledge his words. Moony let go of me and I rushed to Sirius' side, taking his hand, focusing on his face under all the blood.

'Come on Padfoot.' I muttered under my breath, 'Live for me mate.'

I have vague recollections of the day passing. Moony spent most of it by our side, leaving only to fetch some food for me at regular intervals and in the evening for the Shrieking Shack. I'd forgotten it was a full moon. Wormtail arrived after work looking harassed and stayed silently with us before accompanying Moony. Lily was there at some point too, her arms round me, crying, going home when Madame Pomfrey told her that she was in not fit state to be sitting on a cold chair in a castle in the middle of the night.

Though all this, I had simply stared at Sirius, willing him silently to wake up. He didn't. I felt my eyes drooping, exhaustion threatening to overcome me. I shuffled closer so that I was half lying on Sirius' bed and watched the candle flickering.

I awoke with my head on his chest and a crick in my neck. I longed to look up and see Sirius's morning eyes, half shut, screwed tightly against the offending light streaming through the curtains. Nothing. I couldn't bring myself to leave his chest, the comforting warmth and the sound of his heart still beating, proving he was still alive.

Finally, when I judged that Moony and Wormtail would soon be back, I sat up stiffly, rubbing my neck and stretching my back.

's'coldProngs,' I heard the murmur and turned sharply, wincing as my neck protested. His eyes were open and he was grinning weakly at me. I felt an answering grin erupting on my face.

'Padfoot! Thank god! If you ever worry me again like that I swear to God I'll...' He rolled his eyes. I glared for a moment before the grin erupted on my face again.

'Yesh. You'lldo...summinkbad. Lecturemelater, s'cold.' He replied. I could see he was shivering and realised he hadn't been joking before.

'Bloody hell mate.' I gasped, pulling the blanket further up and rubbing his arms. He reached out and grabbed my hand, stopping me.

'An' anks m'te' he slurred. I blinked, confused.

'What for?'

'Had to 'ave summin...to come 'ack for,' he answered, eyes fluttering shut as he did so. It was only then that I recovered the presence of mind to call for Madame Pomfrey. She checked him over. The miraculous had happened. He was going to live. And yet his slurred speech still echoed through my mind. He'd had to have something to come back for. He'd come back for me.


	12. Twenty Four

The twenty fourth time I shared a bed with Sirius Black was three weeks after Harry was born. Lily was stressed, shouting and snapping every time I spoke, every time I breathed. We argued, it seemed, constantly and I couldn't cope, neither of us could cope, not with Harry so close and so fragile. Finally, she took Harry and went. I'd come home from work and found a note on the dining table telling me she was leaving me, that we'd been young and reckless and rushed when we should have waited. Maybe that was the war talking, the desperate desire to experience life before it ended had pushed us into something that maybe we shouldn't have got into.

Something inside me snapped when I read that. I crumpled the note in my hand and stumbled towards the fireplace, grabbing floo powder as I passed and yelling out the name of Sirius' flat before I even knew what I was doing. I fell through the fireplace on the other side, hoping to anything that he was home.

'Prongs,' he was shocked, and rightly so. I had interrupted him at rather an inconvenient time. There was a girl, not someone I knew; straddling him and his tongue had been quite firmly down her throat when I had so rudely interrupted. As soon as he saw my face, however, he stood up, pushing the girl down onto the sofa next to him. She looked rather disgruntled.

'What's happened?' he asked. I sank down onto his floor, ignorant of the woman telling Sirius that she wouldn't be back and leaving, slamming the door behind her. He seemed about as interested in her at that point as I was. I held out the note to him silently, not trusting myself to speak at that point. He took it and read it quickly before crumpling it back up and throwing it into a corner and sitting down next to me, pulling me into his arms.

The scent of Sirius overwhelmed me, a scent that I was so accustomed to. Its familiarity pushed me over the brink. Tears began to fall and I sobbed into his shoulder as he held me in silence, knowing that no words could help. She didn't love me, she didn't want me, and she'd taken my son away. I buried myself in Sirius' presence, trying to hide from everything.

The tears stopped eventually and he let me go. I sat up groggily.

'I love Lily,' I said, feeling the need to say it, feeling that he needed to hear it, needed to know what was going on in my mind. I owed him that at least.

'I know.' He answered simply; open, ready to hear what I needed to say.

'I've loved her since forever. I just...I didn't realise it would be like this. Having Harry, I love him more than anything, but...it's all the time. I haven't slept in weeks. Lily's snapping at everything I say. I fell in love with her before I knew her properly, or she's changed, or I've changed. I still love her, of course I do, but...she's not the Lily Evans I fell in love with anymore. She's...I don't know. Maybe it's my own fault. Maybe it is me that's changed. Maybe it's me that's wrong. Maybe she made a mistake in thinking she loved me. Maybe I'm just unlovable...'

'No,' he said it quietly, in a deadly serious voice that stilled my heart. I blinked up at him, shocked out of my ranting by the fierceness of his gaze. I leant towards him, tears stilled, seeing in that gaze more pain than I had ever seen there before. I cupped his face in my hands.

'What is it? Padfoot?' I asked, not knowing how to help him, not knowing what to do to stop that huge well of pain from hurting him anymore. He closed his eyes.

'I can't Prongs.' He choked, trying to bury the pain, trying to turn away from me and push it further into himself. We didn't do that. I couldn't let him do that. I still don't know why I did it, but I leant further towards him and before I knew it we were kissing, passionately, desperately. He pulled back, looking away. I reached out, forcing him to meet my gaze.

'I love you,' he said. And suddenly I realised that I'd know that for ages. Ever since the first night he'd let me into his bed, I'd known he loved me, and so I told him so.

'I know,' I replied, running a hand through his hair. He pushed me away, tears beginning to leak from his eyes.

'You love Lily,' he said, pain laced through his voice as he said it, but we both knew it was true.

'I know,' I replied, stupidly, not knowing what else to do, what else to say to ease his pain. His tears were coming faster now and I ached to make it all better for him.

'Padfoot, Sirius, listen to me. I love Lily, that doesn't mean,' I took a deep breath, considering the damage all of this could do to everything I held dear, to my family, my son, but then I looked back into Sirius' eyes and knew I was right, 'That doesn't mean I don't love you too.'

'As a brother. As a friend. I love you as more than that James.' He spat out, turning away from me. I sighed and spoke to his back.

'I do love you as a brother. And I love you as a friend. But I set not limits on my love. I love you as everything you want me to love you as, no matter how much I deny it. You and me, Padfoot, it's like we're the same person. With you, there's never anything that I can't show. I know you, better than I know anyone else in the whole world. I love Lily, yes, like I would love a pretty flower that bloomed outside my window. She was never really here for me, never real. You, you were with me every time I needed a friend. You've seen me at my lowest, you've seen my cruelty and my harshness, my stupidity and my arrogance and I've seen yours. I know you Sirius, and to know someone as completely as I know you is to love them.'

I sat there for a moment. Even I hadn't known that I'd had those thoughts. And yet, nothing I'd said could be a lie. It was all true, every word. I reached out a hand, laying it on Sirius' back. He turned quickly and threw himself on me in a tangle of limbs, lips and tongues. He pulled back after a moment and grinned at me.

'You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear that,' he murmured, holding me as tightly as I held him.

'Probably not, I tend to be a bit clueless.' I grinned at him, he wrapped me in his arms again, pulling me upright and propelling me to what I knew was his bedroom. I reached out, suddenly afraid, grabbing his hand and he looked at me. His eyes told me everything I needed to know. This was Sirius. He'd held me when I cried, he'd let me see his tears, he'd shared my bed countless times, and I had shared his, he'd let me treat his wounds when nobody else could get near him, he'd clung on to life for my sake, he'd stroked my hair when I was mindless with pain, hell, he'd even been the first person I kissed. He was nothing to fear. There was nothing of me that I couldn't trust him with.

And so I went. And I realised in that night everything that I had been missing out on for the many nights previously. I realised what it was to love and be loved in return, to give everything and trust everything without fear, without reservation. I realised that I loved Sirius just as deeply as he loved me, that I always had, even before I'd known what love really was. I realised what perfection and wholeness and wonder and all those cliché things really were. I could have had this for years, but I would have it from now, and that made up for it. I could have his love.

The next day I received Dumbledore's owl. He told Lily and I about the prophecy. We had to take Harry and go into hiding, together, as a family. Nobody but the secret keeper could be allowed to know where we were. We could see no-one.

And so I moved back in with Lily, sleeping in separate beds, barely talking, ignoring each other whenever possible, but I still loved the idea that I had fallen for all those years before. I knew now that it was the idea of Lily that I loved, not the person. Harry held my life together, Harry and the memories of Sirius that night, the hope that after the war we could come together again, this time forever. I lived as half a person, waiting for him to complete me again. Then Halloween came and everything ended in the rushing sound of death on wings.

I never saw Sirius again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm...sorry? 
> 
> Thanks for reading, though. 
> 
> xx


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